Strangers. Smarts. Semi-consensual Structure. Sexy. Season. Silence. Seinfeld. Stillness. Social. Space. Start again. Souls.
I had been doom scrolling on insta when I ran across a reel from a frienger (we met at a Dinner with Strangers event and that’s the colloquial term we used for that group) putting a challenge out there to sign up for a 30 for 30 thing and be 37x better by the end of it (don’t question the math - she has the smarts so I trust her). I’m almost always up for a challenge, am fascinated by habits, love supporting people, and needed some motivation, so the wins were just buzzing around!
The gist was to join a group of like-minded people that wanted to try or do or change something in their lives for 30 min a day for 30 days (aka a new habit). And it didn’t necessarily have to be for 30 minutes. Somebody wanted to get commit to flossing (the teeth thing, not the dance… at least I think it was - man, my questions now come across as awkward if it was the dance thing), somebody chose donating one item a day, one was “No Instagram”, etc. Lots of people choose a 30 min thing too and it was a wide variety. 24 people in total.
The WhatsApp group (yes, I downloaded WhatsApp for this - I know, I know after my years of swearing by Signal only) was called Semi-consensual Structure which just made me chuckle with delight. She had made a spreadsheet that you updated with a “Y” or “N” daily that was sexy. Sexy. SEXY! I’m pretty sure that sheet alone motivated me some days.
Art. Silence. Heavy blanket with noise cancelling headphones. Watching Top Gun: Maverick. These were all things that friends tossed my way when I said I was doing this and I needed ideas. Over the years I’ve been on several silent retreats, visited monasteries, went on solitude journeys, etc., and every time I come back I’m like “I really want to invite more silence in my life”. I often do for a season and then the busyness of life takes over. Sitting in silence vs fulfilling the desire to seek stimulation is always a struggle. Silence can also be challenging for me due to my tinnitus. For a variety of reasons it has been a while since I’ve been able to “get away” and silence had fallen out of my life, so Silence it was.
Both Duhigg (The Power of Habit) and Clear (Atomic Habits) talk about Habit Loops and the need to reduce friction (i.e. make it easy) to embrace your new habit. I already had the Balance App (it has some amazing, AMAZING guided meditations in addition to a variable-length self-guided one) and noise cancelling headphones. I also have a solid morning and evening routine where it would be easy to “bolt-on” this habit. I gave myself grace to do it in 3, 10 minute chunks (morning/noon/night), or split between morning/evening, instead of doing it all at once.
My first session I had set it for 15 minutes of silence. It went decently enough and then in classic style I was like “I have to prove to myself that I can do a full 30 minutes in one shot” so I set it for another 15 and ended up doing my first day all in one sitting. I had “set the bar” so I knew I could do it and now there was no excuse. Putting that first “Y” in the spreadsheet cell felt really, really good. Ah yes, there was that dopamine surge when the related cell turned green (I TOLD you it was a sexy sheet).
Seinfeld talks about “Don’t Break the Chain” as the secret to building a new habit. That methodology works well for me as I have Achiever, Developer, Consistency and Competition all in my Top 10 CliftonStrengths. So I really, really, really wanted that row of green.
I found myself looking for ways to “cheat” during the first third of the month… “I can do art and be silent and it’s a two-for-one”. That didn’t sit with the purpose of why I wanted Silence so I updated my goal to “Silence & Stillness”. That put me back in line.
The “Attractive” part of the habit loop was remembering what it felt like after the “Sitting with Silence”. So good. So, so good and peaceful and refreshing. It’s a task before you integrate it and a life saving tool after. That part was easy. And the “Having Fun”? The community group. Somebody posted a daily pictures of flowers (his was do to a plank daily and then observe a “Grateful Flower”), memes for the people with reading goals, motivating encouragements and, of course, Hadva. Her name was above mine on the tracking sheet and she always finished her daily tracking before I did, so I could just not not do it knowing that my stranger spreadsheet buddy was ahead of me - lol :)
Some interesting and unexpected things, popped up though.
First, engaging with something like this comes at a cost. Meaning I don’t just have an “extra” 30 minutes a day. I mean, I waste a lot of time dopamine hunting through doom scrolling, daydreaming, or doodling and 30 minutes of new activity doesn’t just get “squeezed in”. I found myself journalling a little bit less in the morning or missing my daily sudoku and in the evenings my yin/restorative yoga sessions suffered.
Second, you soon discover what and where your priorities are. You have to have a solid intention and an understanding of what you are doing and the –> why <– behind it to lead you through the change and the discomfort of new rhythms. All too often throughout the 30 days it was 11pm and I was exclaiming “Oh Shit! I still want to spend time with Silence in Stillness before I sleep”. So definitely more late nights that I have been accustomed to :)
Third, there is something to, even informally, social accountability. I’m not entirely sure who all knew each other in the group (my frienger was the thread that weaved us all together) and while there was not a lot of relationship building (that was not the intent of the group), there was a feeling of “I’ve committed to this, I need to do it” (I mean, I also WANTED to do it and days can be days sometime).
Fourth, it was absolutely delightful to have somebody coordinate and corral a community to setup a safe space to try new things and the grace to “fail” and start again. It was very encouraging to see somebody with a green block after a series of yellow blocks (yellow means they didn’t do it that day) which showed that even though they missed a day or two, they chose to start again.
Fifth, there was an unexpected benefit outside of activating my parasympathetic system and regulating myself. Near the end of the 30 days I begun noticing Silence throughout the day, even when I WASN’T trying to do a session to hit my 30 minutes. I found myself laying in bed in the morning a few extra minutes, just breathing in the stillness. I was more attuned to the space to exhale on my walks. I put down my phone while at the coffee shop and just sat there, without locking souls with my phone. That was unexpected and delightful!
This was a lot of fun and if you ever have the chance to engage in a 30 for 30, DO IT!
A Sampling of the Habits!