Took the day off, and am lying here in my hammock, writing.
I have some amazing friends and am grateful. The lush blanket on top of the hammock as well as the hammock stand itself are both housewarming gifts <3 (there are no large trees to sling this up to in this backyard).
And, I also need to process and probably vent a bit, so here we go. That is, after-all one of the main purposes of this site - space to look at, process, and reflect.
“How are you doing?”
It’s one of those questions. An “opener”, something to break the ice, something to show interest and get the conversation going. It’s also rarely asked or answered honestly. I’ve made an effort to ask it with the intent to actually be present and engage (I don’t always do the best), and also to answer honestly. I’ve learned, often through repeated interactions, that some people simply don’t know how to hold what you share with them. So, I’ve stopped answering honestly with those people.
I was with some friends, catching up. It was a great connection and we had some engaging conversation about life. We then had to go and parted ways. As I was leaving one of them was in the same directional vicinity (heading to our vehicles) and they asked “How are you doing?” Without hestitation, I answered “Not good”. I didn’t even hestitate as I was comfortable with them and I wasn’t doing good.
I didn’t take into consideration that we were heading to our vehicles, they were on timelines, it was the end of the conversation, we were walking, etc., etc. And also, I don’t think I needed to take that into consideration. I was just answering their question.
How they responded, though, totally took me back. It was something to the effect of (remember, I remember the feeling the words evoked, not necessarily the exact words themselves) “Ya, with all that you’re going through but otherwise you’re ok?”
I was stunned. How they replied totally invalidated what I had just shared and glossed over/ignored/minimized how I answered. It felt like someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Hey, how are you doing?”” I turned around, bleeding from a freshly severed finger, and they replied, “Oh, but besides the finger, you’re okay, right?” — and then just walked away.
Because of who they are, how I know them, and how long we’ve known each other, I expected more. And maybe that’s my problem and I’m also not going to gaslight myself or minimize or justify other people’s action. While it wasn’t malicious, it was irresponsible and emotionally unintelligent.
So what could they have done? Great question.
- Say exactly what they said (everybody, especially me, says stupid things in the moment) and then text me later on in the day once it actually hits home to check in.
- “I’m glad you made it out even if you’re not doing well.”
- “Well shit - I gotta run but you wanna go for beers later to unpack that?
- “That sucks and I gotta go but would love to hear more - you cool if I check in later?”
I don’t know man. I don’t know. Maybe I’m living in this idealistic world where people say what they mean. I think maybe it just stung. I was being vulnerable and it wasn’t held with the care it needed.
The trick is to not get jaded. I’m not good at that either. This person has shown signs of not being able to meet me at that level in the past and I think maybe my “believe the best” has coloured my lens of where this relationship is (or should be) at.
I still want to be honest though. And I also need to protect my heart. And I need to not ostrich and go underground.
While the following quote is taken slighty out of context from here, I find it helpful (editted slightly for readability):
Unless someone already has a desire to listen to you and to pay attention to you, they just cannot hear you. You can be eloquent, persistent, caring, brilliant and even compelling, but unless the other person is making themselves available to listen, there’s nothing you can do to make them listen.
I had assumed but asking the question they were available. Take care in the questions you (don’t) ask :) <3
Posted on June 30, 2025